Have you ever left your computer on for more than a couple days without restarting it? The longer you leave it up and running the more sluggish it becomes. What I really hate is when the program I am working on freezes up and won't run. Important information like my high score for Hearts or Solitaire is lost for eternity. When this happens I hit CTRL-ALT-DEL and reboot my computer. Yes I am a PC! Its known as a soft boot or a warm boot. It closes any programs that may still be open and restarts my computer. It gives the computer a fresh start. It erases some of the temporary files, fixes up the registry, and cleans out the ram.
I have discovered that grief, when accepted and worked through, is like a soft boot on my computer. It gives me a fresh start, it reorients my thoughts, it allows broken pathways from my mind and heart to be repaired, and it allows me start over again. Ignoring my grief only causes me to feel tired, overwhelmed, emotional, and unfocused. So I am learning to allow grief to work its magic. I don't fight it, in fact sometimes I intentionally hit CTRL-ALT-DEL and allow the tears to flow, the memories to percolate, and the healing to take place. Our counselor calls it a planned or intentional grieving activity. I think it's easier to simply call it a reboot.
One of the benefits of keeping my Warren 8.0 operating system rebooted on a regular basis is I am slowly finding that my memory is more often filled with good memories than bad. With each reboot memories of David's suffering and loss are replaced more and more with memories of his laughter, his passion for life, his love for food, his zeal for God, his child like faith, his respect for life, and his compassion. Of course the bad memories sometimes poke their ugly head through, like a virus on my computer. Yes, I am a PC! These memories are stored on my hard drive and most likely will have a place in my operating system until I get my final upgrade, like David already has. Until then I am going to unashamedly hit CTRL-ALT- DEL and allow grief to refresh, erase, and reorient.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Friday, January 22, 2010
Dear David...
Dear David,
Today marks three months since you left this world. How fast the time has flown. I can only imagine you are still exploring the beauty and wonders of heaven. It excites me to ponder what you are enjoying the most. Is it your vision? Is it being in the presence of your Savior? Is it your new mind and body? Is it sitting around talking with Grandpa, Melody, and others; listening to their stories of adventure, faith, pain, coming to faith, and the daily new discoveries of heaven? Sometimes crazy questions enter my mind like, "Have you run into King David yet?", or "What color eyes does Jesus have?" What ever you are doing I rest knowing you are whole and happy.
David, I wanted you to know that we are doing OK. The first couple months were hard but we were so grateful your suffering was over. Now we just miss you. There isn't a day someone doesn't ask how we are doing, tells a story about how your life impacted theirs, or we don't start laughing about one of your many crazy antics. Thankfully our faith has helped us to keep strong. I was reading two days ago and came across this verse in 1 Thesalonians 4:13,
And now, dear brothers and sisters, we want you to know what will happen to the believers who have died so you will not grieve like people who have no hope.
While we grieve David, we do not grieve as those who have no hope! So don't worry about us. We continue to look for ways to use what we learned from loving and caring for you to serve others. I miss you and love you.
Love,
Dad
PS: Hey Buddy, do me a favor and give my father a hug from me.
Today marks three months since you left this world. How fast the time has flown. I can only imagine you are still exploring the beauty and wonders of heaven. It excites me to ponder what you are enjoying the most. Is it your vision? Is it being in the presence of your Savior? Is it your new mind and body? Is it sitting around talking with Grandpa, Melody, and others; listening to their stories of adventure, faith, pain, coming to faith, and the daily new discoveries of heaven? Sometimes crazy questions enter my mind like, "Have you run into King David yet?", or "What color eyes does Jesus have?" What ever you are doing I rest knowing you are whole and happy.
David, I wanted you to know that we are doing OK. The first couple months were hard but we were so grateful your suffering was over. Now we just miss you. There isn't a day someone doesn't ask how we are doing, tells a story about how your life impacted theirs, or we don't start laughing about one of your many crazy antics. Thankfully our faith has helped us to keep strong. I was reading two days ago and came across this verse in 1 Thesalonians 4:13,
And now, dear brothers and sisters, we want you to know what will happen to the believers who have died so you will not grieve like people who have no hope.
While we grieve David, we do not grieve as those who have no hope! So don't worry about us. We continue to look for ways to use what we learned from loving and caring for you to serve others. I miss you and love you.
Love,
Dad
PS: Hey Buddy, do me a favor and give my father a hug from me.
Monday, January 18, 2010
I'm a leaker, she's a gusher
Brenda says I'm a leaker. Yes I know the word doesn't exist in the dictionary, but it is still a good word to define one of the ways I am dealing with my grief. For little to no reason at all, on a fairly consistent basis, my hazel eyes will begin to water and slowly leak tears. I don't cry inconsolably, I don't cry for long periods of time, I just simply leak. Saturday I was carrying down Christmas decorations to store away for another year and I saw David's walker and wheel chair stored in the corner of our basement and I began to leak. This morning I read a friends Facebook status that said, "another Battens Disease little one passed away last night" and again I started to leak. I sat tonight and listened to my son share his struggle dealing with his brothers loss and you guessed it, I started to leak. Leaking has become a normal part of my life. A few tears escape, a quick wipe with the back of my hand or a tissue if I am lucky enough to have one on hand and on I go with life. It keeps things from building up in my life. It gives me an immediate way to release my sorrow. So if you see my eyes fill up with tears and slowly begin to leak onto my cheeks, I'm OK. I'm just releasing some of the pressure that is building up in my life.
Brenda on the other hand is a gusher. She stores up her tears until she can't hold them back anymore and then she hits the release button. She wrote the following in her journal;
"As I sit here tears are flowing from somewhere deep inside me. The dam has been breached and the tears that have been held back for weeks are beginning to leak out. Memories come and trigger the flow. Fears of future loss trigger the flow. Thoughts of other's pain triggers the flow. They have been gathering and waiting to be released. Like in our creek, life flows on like the water and brings with it broken branches, leaves, and other refuse, trash thrown out by passerby's, rocks dislodged. They hit a bend in the creek and trap the various items carried by the "flow of life." They begin to build up until the water is restricted. The flow is stopped until the pressure is so great it either finds a new path or dislodges the plug in the dam. It works the trapped refuse free and pushes it along until once again the water flows freely without resistance. That is how I deal with my pain and all the broken bits of my life. They jam up as a dam until somehow the flow of life triggers a release, pierces a hole in the dam. Lord, thank you for the tears. For walking with me through the sadness and loss. For letting me be able to feel."
As I have thought about our two different approaches I am reminded that there is no one correct way of dealing with grief. Leaking is no better than gushing and gushing is no better than leaking. They are just different ways of releasing our sorrow. We are still learning how to accept and allow each other the freedom to process our grief in our own ways. As Daniel reminded us this evening, "We need to give each other some slack."
No matter whether you are a leaker or a gusher the following verse from the book of Psalms is true;
You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. Psalm 56:8
Brenda on the other hand is a gusher. She stores up her tears until she can't hold them back anymore and then she hits the release button. She wrote the following in her journal;
"As I sit here tears are flowing from somewhere deep inside me. The dam has been breached and the tears that have been held back for weeks are beginning to leak out. Memories come and trigger the flow. Fears of future loss trigger the flow. Thoughts of other's pain triggers the flow. They have been gathering and waiting to be released. Like in our creek, life flows on like the water and brings with it broken branches, leaves, and other refuse, trash thrown out by passerby's, rocks dislodged. They hit a bend in the creek and trap the various items carried by the "flow of life." They begin to build up until the water is restricted. The flow is stopped until the pressure is so great it either finds a new path or dislodges the plug in the dam. It works the trapped refuse free and pushes it along until once again the water flows freely without resistance. That is how I deal with my pain and all the broken bits of my life. They jam up as a dam until somehow the flow of life triggers a release, pierces a hole in the dam. Lord, thank you for the tears. For walking with me through the sadness and loss. For letting me be able to feel."
As I have thought about our two different approaches I am reminded that there is no one correct way of dealing with grief. Leaking is no better than gushing and gushing is no better than leaking. They are just different ways of releasing our sorrow. We are still learning how to accept and allow each other the freedom to process our grief in our own ways. As Daniel reminded us this evening, "We need to give each other some slack."
No matter whether you are a leaker or a gusher the following verse from the book of Psalms is true;
You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. Psalm 56:8
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Holes
Brenda repainted David's room today with the help of two dear friends. She settled on Stratton Blue. I think it is the same color as our laundry room. After hours of work and two coats of paint the room looks very different. As you walk into the room even the smell tells you that something has changed. But it's still David's room.
As I was preparing the walls to be painted memories flooded my mind with every hole I patched. On one wall there were 10 or 15 divots where David's rocker/recliner nicked the wall as he rocked with zeal listening and creating in his mind's eye the Yankee or Green Bay Packers game he was listening to. Often as he talked on the phone with friends he would rock back and forth, not meaning to gouge the walls, but lost in conversation with someone about his latest girlfriend or sports team's victory. Each hole an expression of some emotion he was experiencing.
The biggest hole required a 4 inch patch and three coats of spackle. It's where we mounted a video camera that allowed us to check on David from our bedroom. He never knew the video camera was there. It allowed us to keep an eye on him. Now he keeps an eye on us.
Several of the holes were created by small nails that held up Green Bay and Yankee paraphernalia. As I filled in the two holes that held up the Bronx Bombers Blvd. sign over the door to his closet I imagined the joy David would have had if he had lived long enough to see the Yankees win the World Series this year. But I also pictured the disappointment he would have experienced this past Sunday as the Packers lost to the Cardinals in over time in the wild card game. While it pains me to admit this, in honor of David I think I am going to root for Brett Favre and the Minnesota Vikings for this years Super Bowl
One of the the things I discovered is that patching holes is not a one step process. My friend Norm at True Value said some holes will take up to three coats of spackle so be patient. I am discovering that the same is true about the holes that have been left in our lives since David passed away. The nicks left by past memories, the gaping hole left by his absence as we sit around the dining table or at holiday gatherings, the hundreds of small holes left by stories remembered, tears shed, and questions that remain unanswered all cry to be filled in. Some only required a quick pass of the putty knife and a small amount of putty. Most I am finding are going to need several coats of spackle, light sanding, and lots of time. I think I may go back to Norm tomorrow for my next counseling appointment.
As I was preparing the walls to be painted memories flooded my mind with every hole I patched. On one wall there were 10 or 15 divots where David's rocker/recliner nicked the wall as he rocked with zeal listening and creating in his mind's eye the Yankee or Green Bay Packers game he was listening to. Often as he talked on the phone with friends he would rock back and forth, not meaning to gouge the walls, but lost in conversation with someone about his latest girlfriend or sports team's victory. Each hole an expression of some emotion he was experiencing.
The biggest hole required a 4 inch patch and three coats of spackle. It's where we mounted a video camera that allowed us to check on David from our bedroom. He never knew the video camera was there. It allowed us to keep an eye on him. Now he keeps an eye on us.
Several of the holes were created by small nails that held up Green Bay and Yankee paraphernalia. As I filled in the two holes that held up the Bronx Bombers Blvd. sign over the door to his closet I imagined the joy David would have had if he had lived long enough to see the Yankees win the World Series this year. But I also pictured the disappointment he would have experienced this past Sunday as the Packers lost to the Cardinals in over time in the wild card game. While it pains me to admit this, in honor of David I think I am going to root for Brett Favre and the Minnesota Vikings for this years Super Bowl
One of the the things I discovered is that patching holes is not a one step process. My friend Norm at True Value said some holes will take up to three coats of spackle so be patient. I am discovering that the same is true about the holes that have been left in our lives since David passed away. The nicks left by past memories, the gaping hole left by his absence as we sit around the dining table or at holiday gatherings, the hundreds of small holes left by stories remembered, tears shed, and questions that remain unanswered all cry to be filled in. Some only required a quick pass of the putty knife and a small amount of putty. Most I am finding are going to need several coats of spackle, light sanding, and lots of time. I think I may go back to Norm tomorrow for my next counseling appointment.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
The Ramp is Clear of Snow
This is a picture of the ramp that leads to David’s wing of our home. We no longer need it or use it but I still keep it clear of snow. I’m not really sure why I do it but I feel compelled to keep it clear. I think it reminds me of the privilege it was to care for David and meet his needs. I miss being needed by him. For the last several months of David’s life we did everything for him. I guess the ramp is symbolic of the joy it was to be his Dad.
I also think the ramp is a something I am holding onto because it is something I don’t have to let change. In the past two months our whole way of living has changed. No more aids, no more medications, no more doctors, no more crazy paper work, no more diapers, no more scheduling issues; poof in the blink of an eye our way of living changed. But it is still snowing and I can shovel the snow on David’s ramp.
So I put on my boots, my Carhart jacket, the faux bunny rabbit lined ear flapped hat that once belonged to David, and my gloves and shovel the snow. When you come to visit, please feel free to use the ramp.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
2009: A Year to Remember!
2009 has been an eventful year to say the least. Yesterday Brenda was reflecting on some of the highlights. In January we spent a week in Bonita Springs, Florida. We walked the beach, swam in Mom and Dad's pool, hung out in the hot tub (one of David's favorites), and simply enjoyed being together as a family. All of us took turns reading to David from Passages, a series Focus on the Family produced. He would rub his hands and legs in anticipation and anxiety, begging to read just one more chapter.
On July 28th Brenda and I celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary. We found a cozy bed and breakfast in Rockport Massachusetts right on the ocean. As we sipped a glass of wine and enjoyed fresh crusty bread with dipping spices, olive oil, and fresh olives provided as a surprise from our son Christopher, we rehearsed our twenty five year journey together. I pray we are blessed with 25 more!
In August we went to Door County, Wisconsin for summer vacation. We picked cherries, hiked, enjoyed cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents, slept late, and ate too much. It was obvious that this was going to be the last time David was going to be able to travel this far. While he was very limited in what he could do he enjoyed being with his family. Our favorite part of the day on vacation is in the morning sitting out on the deck drinking coffee. While David had lost much of his ability to really interact with us one morning out of the blue he simply said, Isaiah 41:10. He didn't quote it he simply said the verse reference. It was one of his favorite verses. We looked it up and read these words,
On July 28th Brenda and I celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary. We found a cozy bed and breakfast in Rockport Massachusetts right on the ocean. As we sipped a glass of wine and enjoyed fresh crusty bread with dipping spices, olive oil, and fresh olives provided as a surprise from our son Christopher, we rehearsed our twenty five year journey together. I pray we are blessed with 25 more!
In August we went to Door County, Wisconsin for summer vacation. We picked cherries, hiked, enjoyed cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents, slept late, and ate too much. It was obvious that this was going to be the last time David was going to be able to travel this far. While he was very limited in what he could do he enjoyed being with his family. Our favorite part of the day on vacation is in the morning sitting out on the deck drinking coffee. While David had lost much of his ability to really interact with us one morning out of the blue he simply said, Isaiah 41:10. He didn't quote it he simply said the verse reference. It was one of his favorite verses. We looked it up and read these words,
"So do not fear, for I am with you, do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you, I will uplift you with my righteous right hand."
In September Brenda and I went on a cruise to Italy and Greece to celebrate our twenty five years together. It was a time to recharge our batteries, to celebrate our life together, and explore. Little did we know it was also a time to energize ourselves for the three weeks we would have with David before he died.
October was a month filled with great trial and pain but also ultimate release and joy as David's earthly journey came to an end. His memorial service was incredible. Family and friends served us and loved us. It is hard to put into words how we experienced God's love and care through this time. We miss him and even find ourselves grieving more now than we did when he first died.
We made it through our first thanksgiving and Christmas without David. I think the anticipation was far worse than the actual days themselves. We pulled in close as a family and celebrated. There was a new strange mixture of joy, sadness, anticipation, old and new traditions, memories, laughter, heart ache, grief, and hope that permeated every corner of our home and hearts. God was with us, strengthened us, and allowed us not to dismay. Thank you David for reminding us that we do not have to fear!
For the past thirteen years I can't think of a time I didn't start the new year wondering if this is the year Battens will take David's life. This year I don't have to do that and I am grateful. David is where he should be. We miss him but know we will see him again. We rest knowing God was never once surprised by the events of 2009 and we rest knowing he holds this New Year in his hands as well. We look forward to what adventures he has in store for us. The journey still goes on!
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Merry Christmas!
It must have been cold. No doubt it was dark. Undoubtedly it was unexpected. From out of the darkness an angel appears wrapped in heavenly light. Terror fills both shepherd and sheep. He was sent by the Father to share Good News; a Savior has been born. News not just for the shepherds, but for you and me, for all people. It was not to bring condemnation, but to bring joy. He speaks to the shepherds and he says, "Do not be afraid."
So, we attempt to live out the angels proclamation to not fear, yet not always with success.
We have feared facing Christmas day without David's child like faith and love for Christmas. We at times fear the unexpected ways in which grief wraps it's tentacles around us, battering our tender hearts. Sometimes as I talk or share with people about David I can feel my heart breaking, and I fear breaking down in front of them. I fear the the potential negative impact of David's suffering and death on Chris and Dan.
Thankfully I cling to another message given again by an angel. The angel Gabriel comes to Mary to tell her she was going to give birth to the Savior of the world. She of course ask the obvious question, "How will this be since I am a virgin?"
Listen to his response, "For nothing is impossible with God." Nothing!
If that is true, I have nothing to fear. Christmas will be different but a time of celebration and joy. When grief rears it's ugly head, we will meet it head on and cling to God's promise to never leave us or forsake us. When my tear flow freely, I will will remind myself that even Christ cried when he lost his friend Lazarus. When I worry about my boys, I will lift them in prayer before God, reminding myself that God loves them even more than I do. I have nothing to fear.
I hope you too will discover the peace in knowing that with Christ there is nothing to fear. Join me in joining with the angels in praising the birth of our Savior.
13 Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,
14 “Glory to God in the highest,
So, we attempt to live out the angels proclamation to not fear, yet not always with success.
We have feared facing Christmas day without David's child like faith and love for Christmas. We at times fear the unexpected ways in which grief wraps it's tentacles around us, battering our tender hearts. Sometimes as I talk or share with people about David I can feel my heart breaking, and I fear breaking down in front of them. I fear the the potential negative impact of David's suffering and death on Chris and Dan.
Thankfully I cling to another message given again by an angel. The angel Gabriel comes to Mary to tell her she was going to give birth to the Savior of the world. She of course ask the obvious question, "How will this be since I am a virgin?"
Listen to his response, "For nothing is impossible with God." Nothing!
If that is true, I have nothing to fear. Christmas will be different but a time of celebration and joy. When grief rears it's ugly head, we will meet it head on and cling to God's promise to never leave us or forsake us. When my tear flow freely, I will will remind myself that even Christ cried when he lost his friend Lazarus. When I worry about my boys, I will lift them in prayer before God, reminding myself that God loves them even more than I do. I have nothing to fear.
I hope you too will discover the peace in knowing that with Christ there is nothing to fear. Join me in joining with the angels in praising the birth of our Savior.
13 Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,
14 “Glory to God in the highest,
and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests.”
May his favor rest on you.
May his favor rest on you.
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