Monday, January 18, 2010

I'm a leaker, she's a gusher

Brenda says I'm a leaker.   Yes I know the word doesn't exist in the dictionary, but it is still a good word to define one of the ways I am dealing with my grief.  For little to no reason at all, on a fairly consistent basis, my hazel eyes will begin to water and slowly leak tears.  I don't cry inconsolably, I don't cry for long periods of time, I just simply leak.  Saturday I was carrying down Christmas decorations to store away for another year and I saw David's walker and wheel chair stored in the corner of our basement and I began to leak.  This morning I read a friends Facebook status that said,  "another Battens Disease little one passed away last night" and again I started to leak.  I sat tonight and listened to my son share his struggle dealing with his brothers loss and you guessed it, I started to leak.  Leaking has become a normal part of my life.  A few tears escape, a quick wipe with the back of my hand or a tissue if I am lucky enough to have one on hand and on I go with life.  It keeps things from building up in my life.  It gives me an immediate way to release my sorrow.  So if you see my eyes fill up with tears and slowly begin to leak onto my cheeks, I'm OK.  I'm just releasing some of the pressure that is building up in my life.

Brenda on the other hand is a gusher.  She stores up her tears until she can't hold them back anymore and then she hits the release button.  She wrote the following in her journal;

"As I sit here tears are flowing from somewhere deep inside me.  The dam has been breached and the tears that have been held back for weeks are beginning to leak out.  Memories come and trigger the flow.  Fears of future loss trigger the flow.  Thoughts of other's pain triggers the flow.  They have been gathering and waiting to be released.  Like in our creek, life flows on like the water and brings with it broken branches, leaves, and other refuse, trash thrown out by passerby's, rocks dislodged.  They hit a bend in the creek and trap the various items carried by the "flow of life."  They begin to build up until the water is restricted.  The flow is stopped until the pressure is so great it either finds a new path or dislodges the plug in the dam.  It works the trapped refuse free and pushes it along until once again the water flows freely without resistance.  That is how I deal with my pain and all the broken bits of my life.  They jam up as a dam until somehow the flow of life triggers a release, pierces a hole in the dam.  Lord, thank you for the tears.  For walking with me through the sadness and loss.  For letting me be able to feel."

As I have thought about our two different approaches I am reminded that there is no one correct way of dealing with grief.  Leaking is no better than gushing and gushing is no better than leaking.  They are just different ways of releasing our sorrow.  We are still learning how to accept and allow each other the freedom to process our grief in our own ways.  As Daniel reminded us this evening, "We need to give each other some slack."

No matter whether you are a leaker or a gusher the following verse from the book of Psalms is true;

You keep track of all my sorrows.  You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.  Psalm 56:8



3 comments:

  1. leaker also.... thank you for letting us glimpse your journey.... me too.

    Tina McCollum

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  2. Is it possible to be a gushing leaker? LOL I tend to start with a leak that leads to a gush of tears that, as Brenda said, "Come from somewhere deep inside me." It's so hard sometimes as I can't seem to figure out where they come from or how to make them stop. All I know is, I keep God busy as He has a lot of tears to record in His book for me at times. I laugh as I can almost hear Him saying, "Would you slow down, ya gusher! I am losing count here!!" Sigh...thank God there are no tears or sorrows in heaven. I love that we can look forward to that as well as the knowledge that He will melt away the sorrows of the old life so much that they won't be remembered. We don't even have to remember how all this felt! Isn't that great?! I know I look forward to that so much. Truly being able to forget what is behind and strive for what is in front of us. Praying for your leaks that they will be fewer and fewer each day!

    Julie Parry Jensen

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  3. Is it possible to be both? I have to say that even though Michael is still with me sometimes I leak and then when I attend a funeral of a child who has lost the battle I tend to be a gusher thinking that one day I will be the parent burying my child. I know you have a wonderful Savior who holds you close during leakers and gushers and I know He will do the same for me when my time comes. Thinking of your whole family on this anniversary.

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